Road Repair

15 Elul, Wednesday, September 10

An arm is broken

A house is falling apart

You fix it.

A heart is broken

A marriage is falling apart

The only fix happens from within.

Most Jews I know pride themselves on fixing. One of our most cherished Jewish values is tikkun olam, repairing the world, We solve problems, we give advice, we suggest solutions. We offer new perspectives, remind people how fortunate they are, try to get their minds off their problems. We are hands-on, up-front, down-to-earth fixers.

Like anything else, there is a time for fixing. And there is also a time simple to be with what is. That takes a lot more work than fixing.

Most people share their problems without asking for others to fix them. Most people simply want to be heard. Sometimes they want to talk. Sometimes they want to sit in silence. Sometimes they want to be held; sometimes they don’t want to be touched at all.

At these times, fixing can feel like criticism. Unless someone invites advice, offering it can push people in the opposite direction. When someone is in pain, first they want empathy:

“Yes, that must be very hard.”

“I’m sorry to hear about that.”

“Tell me more.”

And if it’s a mess I am responsible for, I may want to fix things because I’m afraid of the consequences. My first desire is to put things back the way they were. But they can’t go back to the way that they were if something is broken between two people. The fix can’t happen without laying the groundwork, without hearing my friend’s pain.

Remember the last time you had a problem. What did you want from people? Maybe you did want a solution. But first, you probably wanted them to hear what you were feeling and get on board with you.

In his memoir, The End of the World (cited by Erica Brown in her book Return: Daily Inspiration for the Days of Awe), Robert Goodrick notes, “There is so much that happens to the human heart that is in the realm of the unthinkable, the unknowable, the unbearable.”  It is our duty to those we care about to plumb the depths of the heart. We cannot know what another is feeling unless we listen with attention and love.

Why is this so hard? As an inveterate fixer, I know that I have felt useless when I can’t “help” by offering a solution. I don’t want to feel inadequate. I want to offer something. Yet, our full and authentic presence is something we can offer.

In this period before Rosh Hashanah, ask yourself, is there anyone I tried to “fix” this past year?  Do I need to repair that relationship? How can I do that? By starting with myself. Start with an honest assessment. Then, seek out the other person and find out how she or he feels. Offer acceptance of their feelings. Listen and speak with honesty and sincerity. And then, if you really want to fix things, open your heart and ask for forgiveness.